Beauty and queerness

Feeling "pretty" is completely new to me. I was always a NEGRO FEO (black, ugly) and I always thought I was particularly ugly. I wasn't. I was normal, I just had darker skin that most people in a culture that values whiteness. I only realized that in my early 40s.

At the same time, I feel every day more convinced that there isn't a total ordering from the most desirable to the least. Yes, there are a lot of people that most would consider attractive and a lot that most would consider unattractive, but the middle ground is huge and it's really chaotic.

Over the last couple of years, I have become less attractive to gay men as most of them admire masculinity. I have become less attractive to straight women for the same reason.

But to my niche, to the queer bisexual people, OMG I'm fire :-)

I feel powerful, seen, attractive in queer spaces, and that's a completely new experience to me. I have embraced it. I don't care that conventional people don't like my look. I don't dress up or put my make up for them.

I do it for me, and for my people.

Gluten-free / lactose-free / vegan in Albania (September 2023)

This is based on personal experience during a short trip to Albania, basically the capital Tirana, and cities in the riviera: Vlorë, Sarandë, and Ksamil. None of the information or links below is promotional or paid advertising.

The country is beautiful but at the time of writing has experienced a massive increase in tourism in a relatively short timespan. That may introduce some annoyances to tourists: it is sometimes difficult to find an English-speaker, while you can certainly find many people who speak Italian. In many places, only cash is accepted as a form of payment.

If you are gluten or lactose intolerant, it is best to buy whatever you need in Tirana before venturing into other cities.

Tips for the lactose-intolerant

You can find soy milk in many shops, in 1-liter cartons, even outside in Tirana and sometimes even in minimarkets. Larger supermarkets may even have rice and almond milk, specially in Tirana. Outside of Tirana we basically only found soy milk, but no other vegetable milk products such as almond yogurt, which you can basically only find in the capital. Smaller cartons of vegetable milk, say of 200ml or 500ml can be found in "bio" shops in Tirana such as BioJu.

If you want your coffee with vegetable milk, you will have to bring your own to the coffee shop. Espresso coffee is served in small cups. You can ask for an espresso in a large cup and ask the barista to heat your own vegetable milk. We found only one large chain of coffee shops, named Mulliri, that serves coffee with soy milk (frappes, etc.) and they are only present at the airport and in large cities.

We could not find cheese made with vegetable milk anywhere. One can ask for a vegetarian pizza without cheese at most restaurants, even small ones: they will give you a weird look but serve it.

Tip for the gluten-intolerant

You can find gluten-free products of the "Schär" brand in Neranxi and other "bio" shops in Tirana, and in some large supermarkets such as the "Conad" in the very center of Tirana.

A great place you must visit is Panja Tirana, which is a gluten-free lactose-free bakery serving bread and delicious cakes, pastries, and icecream.

We could not find any gluten-free bread outside of Tirana. In one bakery, we asked someone to translate for us to Albanian, and the baker did not know was gluten was. There are initiatives such as glutenfreealbania.com collecting resources and trying to raise awareness of this issue.

Tips for vegans

There are few dishes in the local cuisine that sometimes are vegan: falafel (if you order without tzatziki), dolma (vine leaves, but ask, because in some cases they have minced meat) and stuffed peppers (which also in some cases have minced meat). In many places, you can ask for spaghetti with pasta with just tomato sauce, or french fries, or white rice, or many salads without feta cheese that are made with tasty local veggies.

Some restaurants that we tried that had nice vegan dishes:

  • Edua in Gjirokaster has nice vegan and vegetarian versions of local dishes.
  • Veggies in Tirana has many vegetarian and vegan dishes, including an amazing mushroom truffle sushi.
  • Gjelber in Tirana also has many vegetarian and vegan options including bowls and wraps.

Finally, let me remark we did enjoy Albania, people are nice and kind, and the mountains and beaches are stunning.

Where did you get that skirt? (Actual question I got)

Question: Where did you get the skirt you were wearing? I'm thinking about wearing a skirt myself sometimes.

Thanks for asking! I love skirts because they are fun, playful, and comfortable. I also like them in my case because they reduce the expectations of masculine behavior to nil.

I got this particular skirt on Vinted, which is an online app to buy second hand clothes. As initially, I was ashamed to go buy a skirt in a shop (not anymore) I would buy my skirts online in that app, so I can try different sizes/etc., as the prices are fairly cheap -- hence I would order 2–3 skirts and then one of them would fit me well (or it would be easy to fix) and the others I would give away.

If you want keywords, it's a "wrap-around miniskirt". Wrap-around because it wraps around the waist, that's helpful because you can adjust it by removing the buttons and re-placing them somewhere more comfortable (that's what I did with this one, doesn't take sewing skills just the ability to remove and install a button). It's a miniskirt because it's above the knee.

If instead you want to check a store, the thing is that even a thin man is XL or XXL size in what's traditionally women's clothing (44-46 size for skirts). I often go to shops for "large" women, where you can find many skirts that will fit you.

Two alternatives that, due to their construction, are good for cis men as they don't show much bulge:

  • There are "faux wrap-around miniskirts" that are quite popular and have shorts underneath. They are more comfortable as they don't require you to sit any different from what you would normally do.
  • There are "plaid skirts for men" that are more common for cis men, as they would remind people of Scottish kilts.

Final tip: a skirt should ideally be worn at the height at which it is designed to be worn. You may want to look at photos to see whether the skirt goes at the waist or at the hips, or somewhere in between.

Recommended polyamory accounts on Instagram/TikTok (January 2023)

Here are some recommended polyamory accounts on Instagram/TikTok:

My favorites

Poly Philia (Leanne Yau), polyamory videos:


Chill Polyamory (Morgan), polyamory peer support:


Dana and the Wolf also known as "The Poly Couple", they have a fun web series:


Remodeled Love, polyamory and body positivity:


Anxious Hearts Guide (Rikki Cloos), for those with an anxious attachment style:



In Spanish

Open Mandarina (Lidia), cartoons and meet-ups:


Historias de Poliamor, podcast with testimonials:


Gotitas de Poliamor (Jaime Gama), memes and educational videos:



More accounts

Annie Undone, queer relationship anarchist:

The Secure Relationship (Julie Menanno), attachment styles and polyamory:

Bonobo Relationships, relationship coach:

Polyamfam, videos:

Polyam Proud, organized the polyam flag voting:

Chillout Mixtape (October 2022)

A chillout mixtep with Feist, Tina Turner, Sade, La Roux, Gurbax, and more.

  1. Feist - Inside and Out
  2. Tina Turner - In Your Wildest Dreams (feat. Barry White)
  3. Sade - Nothing Can Come Between Us
  4. Get Down Edits - Strategy
  5. LTJ Xperience - Bad Side
  6. LTJ Xperience - Beggar Groove
  7. Solomun and The Cure - We All Adore - Lovesong (DEEZD) -
  8. La Roux - Let me Down Gently (Prins Thomas Diskomix)
  9. Michael Jackson - Liberian Girl (Master Chic Mix)
  10. Trio Ternura - A Gira
  11. Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs - Garden
  12. Gurbax - Bliss
  13. Trio Mocoto - Oba, Lá Vem Ela

IDD #15 @ Mixcloud »

Photo credit: Charles James Sharp via Wikipedia

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